Before I get into it, if you’re at all stressed out by what’s going on in the world or your life right now, and don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with someone else’s pain, please stop here. For real. The TLDR is that Water Magic has been delayed while I deal with a heartbreaking loss. Just know that it is in the works and will hopefully be coming out in the next few months.
For those who are okay with hearing the full story, here it is.
We lost Mom unexpectedly on Christmas Day, which was devastating for all of us. Months later, we’re still reeling. And trying to live without her has been heartbreaking.
Mom was my best friend, my biggest fan, and the one person I could talk to about anything, including books. In fact, she was the only person I talked books with. We had hundreds of conversations about what we were reading, authors we followed, and over the last few years, the insane and exciting roller coaster ride of becoming an author myself.
It’s been a real struggle learning to live without her. To accept that she isn’t there to talk to when I have something exciting or weird to share…or when I just need to talk to my mom.
So why am I sharing this with you? Normally, I wouldn’t. I tend to keep my deepest thoughts and feelings to myself, but the emotional hurt I’m dealing with right now is affecting my commitments to my readers, and I feel it’s only right that you know what’s going on.
Since I lost Mom, I haven’t been able to write. I’ve tried. Believe me, I have. But my heart isn’t in it. And I’ve learned that writing without your heart produces soulless, complete and utter crap.
Definitely not anything worth sharing.
Which is not good when I have a story that needs to be told and readers who are waiting for it.
But every time I sit down to write…
I get locked up and find myself doing anything but writing.
And it shouldn’t be that hard because my notes are all there, and everything is plotted out, and it only needs some effort to bring it to life. But I just can’t do it. And the few times I’ve forced myself to sit the hell down and just get to it because people are counting on me, I end up deleting everything I’ve written.
Then the guilt sets in because I know I’m letting my readers down. So I try again. Then delete everything, and kick myself harder, and try again and…well, you get it.
It’s a vicious cycle to be in. And I had to stop because I was only hurting myself.
It’s taken some soul-searching, but I’ve finally figured out what’s holding me back.
You see, Mom wasn’t only my best friend and biggest supporter and fan…
She was also my Alpha reader.
And that’s where the problem is.
She was a huge part of my journey. How am I supposed to keep doing it without her? Who am I going to call when I need to talk through a sticky plot point? Or whine to when sales go from great to nothing. Who’s going to share my excitement about some cool plot twist I’ve come up with or listen to me rant when I get a shitty review (which I shouldn’t be reading anyway)?
But what I’m finding toughest right now is that Mom will never know how my current series ends.
See…I wanted her to have the full experience of discovery, so I never shared the plotline with her. I kept everything close to my chest so she could just enjoy the story as everything played out.
But now she’ll never know how it all turns out.
And my heart can’t reconcile with that.
Like, at all.
But Mom would hate that I’ve stopped writing because of her, because, as I’ve said, she was my biggest fan.
So I know I need to get past this. Which I’ve been working on. I’ve spent a lot of time on self-reflection and done some mental work to learn to accept what is. And it helps to think that in some way, somehow, she’s watching over me and is proud…
…and that she will know how everything turns out.
All of which has helped me get ready to write again. In fact, I’ve already started. And it’s going okay. Not great, but okay. Which is enough for now. And it will get better.
But I’m going to take my time and give myself grace for those days when it’s just too hard. And I hope my readers can do the same.
But if all goes well, Water Magic should be out in the next few months. It could be sooner, but I don’t want to commit to a shorter time frame and have that pressure lock me up again.
So, that’s where I’m at. Thank you for listening and thanks for your patience as I work through what life and writing is like without my mom.
And if you’re fortunate enough to still have yours, give her a kiss and tell her you love her.